It's Laminated

Like most sane people in a healthy, monogamous, no-way-out-until-the-kids-go-off-to-college marriage, I have a list of famous people I am permitted to shag should the opportunity present itself.

Much like the one Ross Geller has when he tries to bang Isabella Rosselini.(Not that I would know this because I'm too cool to watch "Friends." You should know that I've never once said "How YOU doin?" to strange men. Or ever had--still have--the Rachel do because I'm too cheap to get a real hairdresser with working bowels and a decent magazine selection.)

Since I'm going to LA this weekend, the hubs kindly reminded me of the List.

"EUREKA!" I thought. "The List! But of course. This whole time, I thought I'd be having sex with the same man for the rest of my days, but I had forgotten about the List! The one shining loophole! The golden ticket! The light at the end of the tunnel in which I dance and dance and . . ."

Ahem.

In no particular order, I present you with . . . The List:


Matt Damon (a bit of a wild card considering his company)



Jimmy Kimmel is a sex god.


The older, paunchier Alec Baldwin (mucho sexier than his younger, paunch-less self).


Doug Heffernan = Sex on Wheels.
I fantasize about a night with the King of Queens spent in the following order: sex, spooning, together raiding the portable fridge that he keeps next to his bed.(Mostly about that last part.)
There.
I said it.
I yearn to eat food in bed with Doug Heffernan.


Huey Lewis. Because the thirteen-year-old me would think this was totally awesome.


Which brings us to Bruce Willis. Hardest celebrity crush ever.(As attested to by the fact that I purchased and played this CD.) Is David Addison on the List? Heck yeah. Do bears bare? Do pickets fence?

That's as far as I got.

You can keep your manscaped, jewelry-wearing, fake-and-baked Brody Jenners and assorted waxed douchebags. You can have your fit, muscular, bedroom-eyed Rods and Jeters, Crawfords and McConahays.

As for me? I'll stick with the fat guys. The beer-guzzling, hairy-chested, eating-cold-pizza-in-bed whilst spooning Everyman.

The kind of man, when I think about it, I have right here at home.

Who's on your list, suckas?