Day Six: Report Card

THE SEPTEMBER RULES:

1. No hooch. B-. The Big One. I am dabbling in AA. Not sure I should be. From what my new AA peeps say, I'm a "heavy drinker," not an alcoholic. (Is it wrong to feel disappointed by this? I enjoy AA meetings. Where else can I find a quiet place to have a cup of joe, get away from the kids, and hear stories that rival those of the best Tarentino movies?)

The meetings help. They feel right. I went five days without a drop and feel like a kid again--fresh and so clean, clean. Although, last night I cheated and had two glasses of wine at a party because it's a holiday weekend and I'm weak and like to please people. (Be my friend.)

2. No cigs. A+. Check!

3. No swearing. F. As in Fuuuuuuuuuuudge.

4. No coffee. F. This rule didn't last a day. Avoiding alcohol and coffee in the same week is cruel and unusual. I cut my caffeine intake to three cups in the morning, but kept the midday iced coffee. Tried tea, but decided tea is for the dull and cat-loving.

5. Stop using the word "like" unnecessarily. D. No, but I've suddenly noticed that I'm not the only 30+ person to pepper every sentence with "like" and call women "girls." (I stand by the latter, my Mount Holyoke friend. Suck it.)

6. Be positive. No more negative comments. C-. Following Rule #1 has made this rule exceedingly easier. Turns out I am a morning person. Who knew? Nobody, that's who.

7. Write. C-. Meh.

8. Update my "real" blogs. F. No.

9. Eat healthy. B. I'm living on tabbouleh, hummus, and Luna bars. All of which tastes too good to be healthy. I suspect I'll find out later that they've doubled my ass girth, as is usually the case. (Granola cereal, I hardly knew thee.)

10. Exercise at least three times a week. B+. Signed up for a half-marathon, started training, and took a surfboarding lesson. Had my ass handed to me by the rarest of creatures: the surfer with anger management issues. "YOU GOTTA GO FASTER! YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!" That's because I'm drowning, asswipe. Woke up with every part of me sore, even my boobs.

11. Read the newspaper. C. Read every section of the newspaper, but the news. Gah! Learned how to make an heirloom tomato martini and all about the neighborhood smells of NYC (Did you know that Midtown smells like new jeans, tea-tree oil, and a touch of vomit?) I'll begin with the news section today so I sound smart at parties. Unlike last night. (My new knowledge of NYC's olifactory secretions didn't come in handy in that health care debate.)

12. Stop watching crap TV. B. RIP Daisy LaHoya.

13. Go to church. F. Last Sunday, I went to a lesbian AA meeting, which, if there is the opposite of church, might be the lesbian AA meeting. Presently waiting for 10 a.m. mass.

14. Have sex with the hubs. D. Once in the morning--sober! (The hubs wasn't behind my decision to quit drinking. When pressed, he admitted that he only gets action when I've tied one on. Ah, I'm a lucky girl.)

15. No flirty emails with the scoundrel who infiltrated the Mommy Bubble. A. Check. The restraining order greatly contributed to the success of this one.

16. Limit time-sucking, soul-sucking internet wanderings. C. OK, but could do better. I still checked in on my imaginary friends. Like you. And Oprah.(O? Call me, girlfriend. Mama needs a new car.)