1. Conquista Malbec at $6.99 a pop. (Don't tell me yer Mama never gave you anything.)
2. Watching my imaginary boyfriend Matt Damon overact his bluff with Ben Affleck coaching in the wings on the World Series of Poker. Gay and Gayer.
3. The word "shammy."
4. The Canadians.
5. Scotty Nguyen, Sex God. Oh, Scotty. Always Scotty.
6. Making up my own texting lingo: IYLOLOMTIWPAFIMRE = "If you LOL one more time, I will plunge a fork into my right eyeball."
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